Sunday, June 26, 2011

[Relegatedz Rankings] The Hottest Around

In 1912, an American scientist named Wilbur Scoville devised a scale to measure the hotness factor of a pepper or other stuff containing the compound capsaicinoid. Capsaicinoid is an irritant for us mammals as it triggers a burning response in whatever tissue it comes in contact know the feeling!!
A rough estimate of the torture you have to induce from a fiery habanero is given in terms of Scoville units, which is basically the amount of times you have to drink water over the frikkin' chili to cut down its effect to zero!!! Kidding!

10. A'ji Dulce
0 Scoville Units
Native to the South Americas, this chili aint worthy to be called a chili. It is sooo sweet you can have a bowl of it for dinner and then brag about it to your friends, 'You know I had a bowl of chilies for dinner last night, god promise!' 


9. Peperoncini
100 Scoville Units
You knew it was Italian didn't you?? Well the Peperoncini doesn't live up to its mafioso name and delivers just a mild punch when you were expecting a full burst of Thompson fire from it. You can take it twice or thrice before feeling a bit of that 'something'.
Why the hell did this shoe show up in our Google Images search for peperoncini?

8. Jalapeño
Spicy? Hell Yeah!!
2500 Scoville Units
Native to Mexico this weirdly named chili is smoked, stuffed with cheese and eaten and jelled into jellies to poison schoolchildrens' lunchboxes; well you can't blame the Mexicans for such patriotic behavior, we would have done the same if we had an indigenous celebrity chili (see pic!). You go into a Mexican restaurant and half the menu is stuffed with jalapeno delicacies Caviche Accapulco, Burrito Casserole...hell they are a bunch of tongue twisters!!!
Well if you have eaten a jalpeno raw then your eyes might water and a little burning can be felt on the tongue. You can walk away harmless from this ordeal.

7. Serrano Pepper


20,000 Scoville Units
One of the most used chilies in Mexico, Serrano is an uninviting, sharp red pepper common to the eastern Mexican states of Puebla and Hidalgo. It is mostly eaten RAW and packs quite a punch. You might experience a sharp biting sensation on your tongue along with watery eyes and a runny nose. A box of tissues is a must while eating it raw.

6. Cayenne Pepper
Well it does seem sexy :-P
50,000 Scoville Units
This luscious, red chili is named after the city of Cayenne in the French Guinea. However it is the perfect example for the adage "looks can be deceiving" because if you are unlucky enough to get one of these in your mouth you are bound to get some uncontrolled watering of your eyes and a leaky nose and ah! that poor tongue of yours!!  

5. Bird's Eye Chilies

A typical Thai mouse. Notice the
stuff in the background? They are the
Bird's eye chilies!

100,000 Scoville Units
A small round red chilli grown in the former Spanish\ Portuguese colonies of East Asia, Bird's Eye Chili is so named because of its small, almost round shape and because of the fact that it is a personal favorite of birds to eat and disperse. We question why because this little piece of shit (we are not being offensive is known as 'Mouse's Dropping' in Thailand; we wonder how the mice look over there!!) has quite a load of heat in itself. A typical Bird's Eye Chilli can make you sweaty even when the temperature around is close to 10 degrees!!

4. Madame Jeanettes
350,000 Scoville Units

We didn't know Madame Jeanette was
euphemism for 'wrinkled, old woman!'
These innocuously named chilies are so inviting; who would turn down a chili with a name like a hostess on a French prairie? Well you should!! unless you want your ass on fire. These bell pepper like chilies (Michael Jackson's nose-job anyone?) have a very high capsaicin content and once ingested they will make you a sorry piece of shit. Expect some condolences your way as you cry convulsively "Why God? Waaaayyyy have you made this %&@^@^&@$&$&@@$***#%?" And did we mention that you won't be able to taste a thing after the hell load of taste buds you have killed?

3. Red Savina Habanero
"Yeah! I eat it whenever I feel like
eating it. And thats about a 100 times
a day!!!"
1,060,000 Scoville Units
As if the world hadn't got its fair share of ass-scorchers yet, Robert Garcia (we believe he is of Mexican parentage) selectively bred Habanero chilies and produced a badass chili that held the world record for the hottest stuff on our planet (after Gisele Bundchen that is) from 1994 to 2006. Once eaten, it will start with a mild pine-applish taste and then build on from that...and by build we mean it culminates into making your intestinal track a FUCKING LOOP OF FIRE!! Well lets not talk about the mouth here...we bet you won't have one after eating this stuff.

2. Bhut Jolokia
1,100,000 Scoville Units
Just try and eat me you SOB bwahahaha!
This pepper's name literally translates to 'Ghost Chili' and this is not a manifestation of a typically superstitious Indian mind but rather this stuff is truly paranormal in terms of the sting it delivers. A typical bhut jholakia will turn you into a very sorry sight; you will sweat an Indus, you will cry an Atlantic and your innards will turn into the lava from Mount Pinatubo. And before moving on we would like to introduce you to some uses of this stuff...
  • It is used for treating stomach ailments; yeah, when the stomach is gone, the defects follow.
  • It is used as a 'remedy' for Indian summer heat; by scorching you to hell. Whoever came up with this presumed that the dead feel no heat, well do they?? GENIUS!!
  • It is proposed to be used in grenades to 'flush out terrorists' by the Indian Defense Department; by flushing out terrorists they mean scraping out the charred remains of what used to be a terrorist, pretty effective. Pentagon you listen?
1. Trinidad Scorpion Butch T
1,463,700 Scoville Units

Now we know about Devil's
favorite fruit!!
We assume it was once named Trinidadian Scorpion Sting and Butcher of Testicles before it was toned down for the Guinness Book of World Record where it reigns the page for the hottest pepper. This badass chili is grown in Australia by the Chili Factory and the seeds for it are provided by the Hippy Seed Company with Butch Taylor being credited as its discoverer (enough bullshit for a day, by the way I guess the Chili Factory will look quite similar to the Chocolate factory of Willie Wonka's, just replace all those yummy chocolate rivers with molten lava and all the chocolates with this Butch T). 
Well no sane man would try to eat this shit and if one does then we must say he has elephantiasified balls because once the fire escapes the Butch T it will turn you into a blazing mass of protoplasm. And did we mention that you will cry like a bitch as you melt to cult status...and that your grave will be marked with a memorial having a Butch T over two massive concrete balls.
We found this chilli to be the most awesome of it deserved another pic!!

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